If you missed Part 1, please read that HERE first!
After our loss, it was so hard to decided to start trying again. We had moved on, we had healed, we were at complete peace with the situation. But the reality of trying again meant the possibility of losing again, and that is a hard decision to make! But we knew it was time!
It took us a few more months, but we finally got another positive pregnancy test!
But I worried the whole time that I would lose the baby. I feared another miscarriage. My dr ordered bloodwork right away and scheduled ultrasounds at 6 weeks and 8 weeks and everything looked good, everything looked perfect! Everything appeared to be right on track!
But I kept having these feelings that something was wrong, or that I would miscarry again.
I kept thinking that when I got to 12 weeks, this feeling would go away and I would tell all our friends. I kept thinking that when I got to 12 weeks I would be fine and these worries would go away.
But I still wasn't ready to tell anyone. I still had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I still worried I would lose this baby.
But there was no reason to be worried. There was no evidence to suggest anything other then the fact that we had a healthy little baby!
I was sure it was all in my head and that my worries about my miscarriage were just manifesting themselves during this pregnancy.
So as much as I wanted to, I wasn't ready to tell anyone. I told a few friends and family but I couldn't bare to announce it to the world yet.
I was out of town during my 16th week of pregnancy, so at week 17, (August 6th, 2013) I went in to see my dr. He found the heartbeat right away and took my measurements. He said I measured big. Big! I have never measured big in any of my pregnancies. I asked how big, he said by 2 week! My dr said he wasn't too concerned, I was measuring big, but not too big that they would worry about problems with the baby. They would just monitor it and he was sure it would all be fine. Women can often measure big with subsequent pregnancies and since I was up to pregnancy #4 at this point, it could just be my stretched out uterus.
At this point I was feeling better and we told a few more people that we were expecting.
It helped me to suppress some of the worries that I was having.
My dr sent me to have blood work done; the Quad Screen. I thought nothing of it, it's optional but I had done it with every other pregnancy. No problem.
I knew, I just knew something was wrong.
He calmly told me that he was sorry to have to tell me this over the phone, but that he had something important to discuss with me that couldn't wait.
My Quad Screening came back positive.
I knew the quad screen tested for genetic defects, but I honestly didn't know a whole lot more. He kindly went on to explain what three genetic defects this tests for and that my tests showed my baby was at HIGH RISK for Trisomy 18.
My dr then went on to explain what Trisomy 18 was. He told me it was a serious genetic defect.
My dr wanted to refer me to a Maternal Fetal Specialist for further testing. He mentioned that if this baby was a Trismoy 18 baby, I would have the option of terminating the pregnancy, although he didn't necessarily encourage it.
To me and my husband, termination is not an option. I know others disagree with this, but for us, this was not an option that we felt ok with.
And then I sent my husband a text.
Yes, a text. But I couldn't say the words out loud that needed to be said.
He called me immediately, probably due to the incoherent texts I was sending, and we talked. I tried to give him the information as best as I could, but I am sure I didn't make a lot of sense.
We had just experienced loss with our miscarriage. But this was different, this cut a little deeper.
I had felt our baby move, and now, we might not get to keep him or her!
I looked online at reputable sources to find out more about Trisomy 18. And what I found broke my heart even more.
Here is the gist of Trisomy 18: most babies do not live full term. The few babies that live full term, many of them do not survive childbirth. Those that do survive, typically do not live very long and have so so many health problems, usually heart problems. The median lifespan of a baby born with Trisomy 18 is 5-15 days. You can learn more about Trisomy 18 here.
But mostly, they have too many health problems to survive longer then a few days.
I wish I could explain all the thoughts that ran through my head as my heart broke that day, but they are too numerous to recall.
I realized that at this point though that because termination wasn't an option for either myself or my husband, that I would carry this baby, possibly full term and actually give birth to a baby, whether it was alive or dead.
And the thought of only having our dear sweet baby for a few hours or days, or maybe not at all, was heart-wrenching.
And the mind-boggling idea of having to bury our baby (who we might never meet) was more then I could bare to think about.
I started to mourn the loss of a life un-lived, and memories we would never make with this dear little baby of ours.
I was so saddened by our future loss.
But I had faith and hope in God's plan. And I knew that if this was something that we needed to go through that we would be strengthened and uplifted by our Heavenly Father and by our Savior. I know and trust in His higher purpose and I knew that in the end, it would be ok.
I know all this, without a shadow of a doubt.
I knew I would have hard hard days ahead of me if we got a firm diagnosis. But I also knew that I was not alone and that my Heavenly Father and my Savior would be there for me. Every. Single. Step. Of . The. Way.
I also knew that I had married an incredible man who would be there for me as well. And I would be there for him.
I found this amazing quote that gave me such hope and strength, and reminded me that often serving others is the way to enable our souls and hearts to be healed:
But we were still so sad at the idea that we might lose another baby. We were devastated that we might never get to meet this little boy or girl who is moving around inside of me.
And between 7 months of trying, a miscarriage and this, I was just feeling downtrodden...
{to be continued}
Here are all the posts in this series about our family's journey:
OneMommy
Tears are streaming down my face for you right now. My sister had a T18 baby; while I don't know the pain as a mother...<br />Saying prayers today for you and your family, praying somehow this story ends on a positive note.
Ashley Phipps
OneMommy,<br />Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I appreciate it! <br />And thank you so much for the prayers! <br />Ashley
Diana Miller
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Ashley. Continuing to pray for you and your family. No matter what the outcome is I know that God will be with you every step of the way. XOXO
Ashley Phipps
Diana,<br />Thanks so much for all your support! I truly appreciate it! And thanks for your prayers!! They mean the world to us!<br />Ash
Cara
I am praying for you and your baby.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much Cara, that means so much to us!
Kirsten
Oh, Ashley. I didn't read this post until after I made my comment on your previous section. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Many, many prayers will be made for you and your family! There is still hope.
Ashley Phipps
Oh thank you so much Kirsten! I truly appreciate it! You are so kind to take the time to leave comments, I truly appreciate them all!
Erin Spain
Ashley, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I have had two miscarriages in the past year while trying for our third baby, and we are still hoping for baby #3. While I know the pain and frustration of losing a baby, I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I will definitely keep you in my prayers.<br /><br />-Erin @ DIY on the Cheap
Ashley Phipps
Oh Erin, I am so sorry you are going through so many hard times! Miscarriages are hard...and I'm sorry you've had two. I am truly sorry. I will keep you in my prayers as well! I hope baby #3 comes soon for your family!! Much love! Ashley
Shauna Smart
Oh Ashley, I am so sorry to hear this. We knew someone that was in this same situation. I am so sorry.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you Shauna. I appreciate your kind words.
Jenn
My heart goes out to you... sending you peace and strength as you live through this.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you Jenn! I truly appreciate it!
Forever Photos, Lorie Burningham
Ashley, my heart goes out to you and your sweet husband. I know you have faith and will be strengthened during this time. You will grow and learn and be a help and support to others. I'm sure your parents are saddened as this is their grandchild. My heart goes out to all of you. Know that you are loved by so many and we are here for you!
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much for your sweet words, they mean so much to us! And for all your love and support! I am so happy to know you and your amazing family! I will always have special memories in my heart of your family! You are just the best!
Jenn Lifford
Ashley - I am so, so sorry for everything you and your family are going through. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. I so admire your strength and faith. Sending love and positive thoughts your way. Xo
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much Jenn for your kind words. I truly appreciate it, they mean so much to us!
Cindy Rowe
My heart aches for you. I wish you strength and peace. Thank you for opening up your world and letting us in. Big hugs.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you Cindy! And thanks for the support and hugs 🙂
diapersnheels
Sending prayers to you. We went through similar news at 30 weeks and I can tell you it was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Lots of prayers and love and we came out the other side. Stay strong!
Ashley Phipps
Oh my, thank you for sharing with me! I am so sorry you went through a similar thing 🙁 I am truly sorry. And I am glad to know you made it out the other side 🙂 Thank you for your kind words and support!
Roberta MacDonald
Bless your heart for sharing this with "the world." Each pregnancy has the potential of bringing joy or heartache, both of which many of us have experienced. I too believe that through God's love we will make it through these trials. Which you will! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Ashley Phipps
Oh thank you. It has not been an easy story to share, so thank you! And thank you for your thoughts and prayers! They mean so much to us!
Heidi @ Happiness is Homemade
This hurts my heart so deeply, and I just have to say that you are so incredibly brave and strong for sharing this with everyone. I am sending loads of love and prayers your way!
Ashley Phipps
Thank you Heidi! You kind words are so sweet. I truly appreciate them! And thanks for the love and prayers! You are the best! I am so glad we know each other!!
Amy Weston
Oh Ashley, you poor thing. What horribly difficult trails have come your way... You are in my prayers and in my heart.
Ashley Phipps
Oh thank you so much Amy! We really appreciate the prayers! And I miss you!!! Hope you are doing well.
Laura
Oh Ashley, my hear hurts for you! I'm so so so sorry! After losing two babies, I know the pain of losing babies that you've never met. But I've never felt a baby move and then lost it. I'm praying for you, girl. Praying for complete healing and that the tests are just plain wrong.
Ashley Phipps
Hi Laura!<br /><br />Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and for your sweet kind words. They mean so so much to me! <br /><br />Thank you for the prayers! We appreciate them!<br />Ashley
Pink Panda
Praying for you!!
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much!!
Patty Hibble
I was so hoping that today's update would be filled with wonderfully good news, but instead it's filled with tears, sorrow and - also a strong message of faith & unity. I am so terribly sorry for you, your husband, your family. My hope is that your family will draw close and hold one another up in the days ahead. Prayers of peace and comfort to you all.
Ashley Phipps
Patty,<br />I kept thinking I would share my miscarriage when I had good news to share with it. but I felt the story needed to be told anyway. So thank you for baring with me! I truly appreciate it!<br /><br />And thank you so much for the prayers! They mean so much to us!<br />Ashley
Karin Chudy
I know you are struggling right now, but even if your baby is special needs, let me tell you something...even though the drs THINK they know stuff...God knows more...My nephew was not suppose to leave the hospital or be born..He went on to live 5 amazing years...teaching teaching teaching us EVERYTHING..you think you know unconditional love, but he taught us to love harder, deeper and with out
Ashley Phipps
Karin,<br />Thank you so much for sharing that with me! I think special needs babies are just the best! Truly special children. <br />Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement and inspiration!<br />Ashley
Charlotte Smith
Ashley, what an honest and compelling post. It's such a miracle to have children and stories like yours are what make me realize how thankful those of us fortunate enough to have healthy children really are. My best friend delivered a Trisomy 13 baby completely unexpectedly and it obviously changed her life. Her daughter survived longer than anyone thought but she will tell you that it was
Ashley Phipps
Charlotte,<br />Thank you so much for your sweet words. Children truly are miracles! Thanks so much for sharing about your friend. It is so wonderful to draw strength from those who have gone through similar experiences!<br />We appreciate the love and kind words!<br />Ashley
Dear Emmeline
My heart breaks for you Ashley. Cling to your faith and continue to trust God.<br /><br />Peace be still.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you! I truly appreciate your kind words!
Amie Bemke
Thank you for sharing your experience. As I read your words, I was brought back to three years ago as my husband and I followed a very similar path. There is a strong community fighting for our little ones if you are looking for others to communicate with about your experience. Sending tons of hugs your way and thinking of your sweet baby. Again...thank you for sharing your journey.
Ashley Phipps
Amie,<br />Thank you so much for sharing your story with me! I truly appreciate it! <br />Ashley