I'm not sure how to begin this blog post. I've spent three weeks contemplating what I would say, where I would start and how to begin. The best I can come up with is to say THANK YOU.
Thank you to everyone who has followed the story of our son, Deakin who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Thank you for all the comments, emails, cards, gifts, thoughts, prayers, love and support you have given us. Thank you for your time and energy, your hopes, kind words and thoughts. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for mourning with me. Thank you for laughing with me. And thank you for loving with me.
Tuesday, October 15th, 2013 started out as a normal day. I rushed to get my children to school, I tried to do a few blog things and I attempted to straighten the house, as usual. It was about 11:00am when I had a sudden and alarming realization. Our son, our little baby had not moved all day.
I had felt him move the day before. Just the day before we had family photos taken and I had felt him move, kick and squirm. But on Tuesday, nothing. I tried to put it out of my mind because sometimes, babies can just be quiet. I was hopeful that that was the case, but deep down inside I knew it was not.
Deep down I knew that many Trisomy 18 babies pass away during the third trimester. I had just begun the third trimester, so I knew this was a possibility. A real and distinct possibility.
I picked up my son from preschool, I came home and I decided to drink a glass of juice, eat something sugary and lie down to see if our little boy would move.
I put on a tv show for my son, I ate and drank as much sugar as I could handle and then I lied down. And about 30 minutes later I was asleep.
But when I woke up, I knew, I just simply knew, that he had not moved.
So I knew it was time to call my doctor.
A short while later I was rushing to drop my kids off at a friend's house and then rushing to make it to my doctor's office where my husband planned to meet me.
Finally, my doctor was able to see me. And after telling him that I hadn't felt our very active baby move all day, he tried to find a heartbeat.
As soon as our precious baby came up on the screen, we simply knew that he was no longer with us. We knew he had passed on.
We knew this was a possibility all along. But both my husband and I hoped and dreamed and prayed that our son would make it full term. We hoped and wished and wanted nothing more then to spend even just a few minutes with our precious baby boy. But that hope was gone.
This simply happens with Trisomy 18 babies. There is no "real" explanation except that they are truly not compatible with life. Their little bodies simply do not work as they should.
Often these babies die because of apnea or heart issues. Our son had three heart issues. So our best guess is that his heart simply stopped. There was not any indication of anything else wrong with him.
So there we sat, at 5:15pm on a Tuesday, in the doctor's office, trying to fight back tears. Trying to make sense of it all. And then the realization hit me. I would still have to give birth...
{to be continued}
Here are all the posts in this series about our family's journey:
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So sorry, Ashley! I can't even imagine what your family is going through. You are in my prayers.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and prayers!
Shanna Gilbert
Oh Ashley, I am just so sorry. You are so brave to share this with everyone and you are telling it so beautifully.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much Shanna!
Jboo
I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much for your prayers!
Carolyn
I am so sorry for your loss of a precious child. Your faith and spirit lift me up when I should be offering kind words to you. Praying for you and your family.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much for your sweet words and prayers!
Diana Miller
I just want to hug you. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. XO
Ashley Phipps
🙂 Thanks so much Diana!
Jenna, SAS Interiors
Of all the sorrow you've gone through, the picture with your three babies is beautiful and I KNOW something you will treasure forever. xo Jenna
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much Jenna! I simply can not believe that we had our photos taken the day before we lost him. Such a huge blessing...we will definitely treasure these photos forever! XO
Alison Wells
Ashley, I am without words. You are so unbelievably brave to share your story, you do it gracefully and lovingly during such a heartbreaking time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Ashley Phipps
Oh thank you so much for your kind and sweet words Alison! And we truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers!
Carmen ShuGar
Oh my god. This is so sad. My heart is breaking for you, your son and your family. I am pregnant with my first baby and I have my anatomy ultrasound tomorrow where they measure him. I cannot begin to tell you how nervous I am. I send you my prayers and a big hug. I am a firm believer that love never dies.
Ashley Phipps
Carmen! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you! I am hopeful and sure that all went well today!! Wishing you the best!
Honey
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost 10 babes. Hugs to you and your family.<br /><br />~Honey
Ashley Phipps
Oh my goodness Honey...I am so sorry for YOUR loss! Hugs and prayers to your family also!
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I'm so sad your family had to go through this and somehow I'm so glad that baby was sent to your family where he could feel the love surrounding him, I'm sure.
Ashley Phipps
Oh thank you so much! And we agree...we are happy he is a part of our family even if he isn't with us right now. We sure do love him though! Thanks for your kind sweet words!
valentina b
I'm so sad for your lost.Hugs from Italy.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much!
Mara Yager
Thinking of you. I've been following you for awhile now, and following the story of your sweet son. God bless you with strength for those moments in each day when you need it most. God gave you your sweetie for some reason, one we may never know, or at least not for some time. You are such a wonderful and sweet person, thank you for sharing with us. I hope our prayers will unite to bring
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so much for your kind and dear words! We truly appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts! Thank you so much.
Linda @ Home is Where My Heart is
Ashley~I have followed your story and cried along with you. I wish I could hug you but know that I am praying for you and your sweet family. And just think you will be able to see that sweet face someday. Now that will be a hug!!!! Love, Linda
Ashley Phipps
Linda,<br />Thank you so much!! And thank you for your sweet meaningful words and thoughts! We truly appreciate them! Thanks so much for following along!
Laura Silva
So sorry Ashley. Your post brought me to tears. I simply cannot imagine what you are going through. But, my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
Ashley Phipps
Thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers Laura! They mean so so much to us!! And thanks for stopping by.
I'm not from around here
Wow.. My friend sent me to this post.. I am reading this post while completely sobbing. On October 16th, we had an unexpected c-section to deliver my (at the time healthy) baby 4 weeks early. He was measuring small, but seemed completely healthy on the ultrasound. When he came out, the doctor and nurses knew he had Trisomy 18. He was in the NICU for 6 days with immature lungs and some birth
Ashley Phipps
Thank you for your kind comments. I am so so sorry for your loss as well...our little babies have very similar birth dates. 🙂 We are praying and mourning with you as well Jaime! Thanks so much for stopping by and for all of your sweet comments.
Katie Olthoff
Praying for you, your family, and Deakin. Two of my friends have had babies with Trisomy 18 and I saw how hard it was for them. I truly wish I could take away all your pain, and that no other family has to go through this ever again.
Rachel
Ashley, I am so sorry for your loss. I am 19 weeks pregnant and my husband & I found out last week that our baby boy has Trisomy 18, as well as spina bifida, a heart problem, and an umbilical cord defect. We are devastated and have so many questions, and reading your story and knowing we are not alone is comforting. Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Ashley Phipps
Oh I am so sorry to hear that Rachel. Please feel free to reach out to me or email me if you ever want to talk. I know how hard this can be so please let me know if I can do anything ot help. Much love!