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Not Compatible with Life, but Compatible with Joy {Part 1}: {Our Trisomy Baby}

Published: Nov 7, 2013 · Modified: May 17, 2016 by Ashley Phipps · 886 words. · About 5 minutes to read this article. · 33 Comments · This post may contain affiliate links · This blog generates income via ads and sponsored posts · This blog uses cookies · See our privacy policy for more info Filed Under: Trisomy 18 Baby

I'm not sure how to begin this blog post.  I've spent three weeks contemplating what I would say, where I would start and how to begin.  The best I can come up with is to say THANK YOU.

Thank you to everyone who has followed the story of our son, Deakin who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18.  Thank you for all the comments, emails, cards, gifts, thoughts, prayers, love and support you have given us.  Thank you for your time and energy, your hopes, kind words and thoughts.  Thank you for crying with me.  Thank you for mourning with me.  Thank you for laughing with me.  And thank you for loving with me.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 15th, 2013 started out as a normal day.  I rushed to get my children to school, I tried to do a few blog things and I attempted to straighten the house, as usual.  It was about 11:00am when I had a sudden and alarming realization.  Our son, our little baby had not moved all day.

photo+of+belly | Not Compatible with Life, but Compatible with Joy {Part 1}: {Our Trisomy Baby} | 3 |

 

I had felt him move the day before.  Just the day before we had family photos taken and I had felt him move, kick and squirm.  But on Tuesday, nothing.  I tried to put it out of my mind because sometimes, babies can just be quiet.  I was hopeful that that was the case, but deep down inside I knew it was not.

Deep down I knew that many Trisomy 18 babies pass away during the third trimester.  I had just begun the third trimester, so I knew this was a possibility.  A real and distinct possibility.

I picked up my son from preschool, I came home and I decided to drink a glass of juice, eat something sugary and lie down to see if our little boy would move.

I put on a tv show for my son, I ate and drank as much sugar as I could handle and then I lied down.  And about 30 minutes later I was asleep.

But when I woke up, I knew, I just simply knew, that he had not moved.

 
I prayed and plead that my little boy would move.
A small kick, a roll, anything.
I prayed that if it be His will (and please oh please let it be His will), 
our son could live a little bit longer.
But very clearly I got the answer that that was not the plan this time.
That our son's time on this earth was done.

So I knew it was time to call my doctor.

A short while later I was rushing to drop my kids off at a friend's house and then rushing to make it to my doctor's office where my husband planned to meet me.

Finally, my doctor was able to see me.  And after telling him that I hadn't felt our very active baby move all day, he tried to find a heartbeat.

My doctor struggled to find a heartbeat.  When I finally heard a heartbeat and my nerves started to calm down, he reached to check my pulse at the same time.  As my breathing slowed, the heartbeat slowed and I knew that was my heartbeat, not our dear baby's.
So we went into the ultrasound room to do a scan.

As soon as our precious baby came up on the screen, we simply knew that he was no longer with us.  We knew he had passed on.

No movement.  No flicker of a heartbeat.  Nothing.

We knew this was a possibility all along.  But both my husband and I hoped and dreamed and prayed that our son would make it full term.  We hoped and wished and wanted nothing more then to spend even just a few minutes with our precious baby boy.  But that hope was gone.

Not Compatible with Life, but Compatible with Joy | those we love don't go away they walk beside us every day | lovely quote with free printable about loss | #trisomy18 #miscarriage #loss #printable #quote
click HERE to download
(This quote is not originally mine, but I could never find the original source for it.  I create the printable though.)

This simply happens with Trisomy 18 babies.  There is no "real" explanation except that they are truly not compatible with life.  Their little bodies simply do not work as they should.

Often these babies die because of apnea or heart issues.  Our son had three heart issues.  So our best guess is that his heart simply stopped.  There was not any indication of anything else wrong with him.

So there we sat, at 5:15pm on a Tuesday, in the doctor's office, trying to fight back tears.  Trying to make sense of it all.  And then the realization hit me.  I would still have to give birth...

{to be continued}

Here are all the posts in this series about our family's journey:

Finding Out... {part 1}
Finding Out... {part 2}
Finding Out... {part 3}
20 Week Doctor Appointment {Our Trisomy 18 Baby}
Fetal Echo {Our Trisomy 18 Baby}
I Choose Joy! {Our Trisomy 18 Baby}
Where to Lay our Baby Down to Rest {Our Trisomy 18 Baby}
Today we Mourn the Loss {Our Trisomy 18 Baby}
Not Compatible with Life, but Compatible with Joy {Part 1}
Without the Rain there Would Never be Rainbows
Not Compatible with Life, but Compatible with Joy : Our Trisomy 18 Baby's Birth Story {Part 2}
"So You've Had 6 Pregnancies..."
Big News for Our Family and our 6th Pregnancy

More Trisomy 18 Baby

  • favorite baby gear part 1
    Must Have Baby Gear : Part 1
  • How to Choose a Diaper Bag
    How to Choose a Diaper Bag
  • summer maternity clothes
    How to Look Your Best in Summer Maternity Clothes
  • 20 week ultrasound
    Pregnancy #6 : Week 19-20 Update

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. [email protected]

    November 07, 2013 at 10:01 am

    So sorry, Ashley! I can't even imagine what your family is going through. You are in my prayers.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 07, 2013 at 3:05 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and prayers!

      Reply
  2. Shanna Gilbert

    November 07, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Oh Ashley, I am just so sorry. You are so brave to share this with everyone and you are telling it so beautifully.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 07, 2013 at 3:06 pm

      Thank you so much Shanna!

      Reply
  3. Jboo

    November 07, 2013 at 10:43 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 07, 2013 at 3:06 pm

      Thank you so much for your prayers!

      Reply
  4. Carolyn

    November 07, 2013 at 11:34 am

    I am so sorry for your loss of a precious child. Your faith and spirit lift me up when I should be offering kind words to you. Praying for you and your family.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 07, 2013 at 3:06 pm

      Thank you so much for your sweet words and prayers!

      Reply
  5. Diana Miller

    November 07, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    I just want to hug you. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. XO

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 07, 2013 at 3:06 pm

      🙂 Thanks so much Diana!

      Reply
  6. Jenna, SAS Interiors

    November 07, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Of all the sorrow you've gone through, the picture with your three babies is beautiful and I KNOW something you will treasure forever. xo Jenna

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 07, 2013 at 3:07 pm

      Thank you so much Jenna! I simply can not believe that we had our photos taken the day before we lost him. Such a huge blessing...we will definitely treasure these photos forever! XO

      Reply
  7. Alison Wells

    November 07, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Ashley, I am without words. You are so unbelievably brave to share your story, you do it gracefully and lovingly during such a heartbreaking time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 08, 2013 at 6:21 pm

      Oh thank you so much for your kind and sweet words Alison! And we truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers!

      Reply
  8. Carmen ShuGar

    November 07, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Oh my god. This is so sad. My heart is breaking for you, your son and your family. I am pregnant with my first baby and I have my anatomy ultrasound tomorrow where they measure him. I cannot begin to tell you how nervous I am. I send you my prayers and a big hug. I am a firm believer that love never dies.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 08, 2013 at 6:22 pm

      Carmen! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you! I am hopeful and sure that all went well today!! Wishing you the best!

      Reply
  9. Honey

    November 08, 2013 at 4:17 am

    I&#39;m so sorry for your loss. I&#39;ve lost 10 babes. Hugs to you and your family.<br /><br />~Honey

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 08, 2013 at 6:23 pm

      Oh my goodness Honey...I am so sorry for YOUR loss! Hugs and prayers to your family also!

      Reply
  10. Magali@TheLittleWhiteHouse

    November 08, 2013 at 4:21 am

    I&#39;m so sad your family had to go through this and somehow I&#39;m so glad that baby was sent to your family where he could feel the love surrounding him, I&#39;m sure.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 08, 2013 at 6:24 pm

      Oh thank you so much! And we agree...we are happy he is a part of our family even if he isn&#39;t with us right now. We sure do love him though! Thanks for your kind sweet words!

      Reply
  11. valentina b

    November 08, 2013 at 8:30 am

    I&#39;m so sad for your lost.Hugs from Italy.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 08, 2013 at 6:24 pm

      Thank you so much!

      Reply
  12. Mara Yager

    November 08, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Thinking of you. I&#39;ve been following you for awhile now, and following the story of your sweet son. God bless you with strength for those moments in each day when you need it most. God gave you your sweetie for some reason, one we may never know, or at least not for some time. You are such a wonderful and sweet person, thank you for sharing with us. I hope our prayers will unite to bring

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 08, 2013 at 6:25 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind and dear words! We truly appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts! Thank you so much.

      Reply
  13. Linda @ Home is Where My Heart is

    November 08, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Ashley~I have followed your story and cried along with you. I wish I could hug you but know that I am praying for you and your sweet family. And just think you will be able to see that sweet face someday. Now that will be a hug!!!! Love, Linda

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 08, 2013 at 6:26 pm

      Linda,<br />Thank you so much!! And thank you for your sweet meaningful words and thoughts! We truly appreciate them! Thanks so much for following along!

      Reply
  14. Laura Silva

    November 19, 2013 at 1:22 am

    So sorry Ashley. Your post brought me to tears. I simply cannot imagine what you are going through. But, my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 19, 2013 at 10:56 pm

      Thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers Laura! They mean so so much to us!! And thanks for stopping by.

      Reply
  15. I'm not from around here

    November 25, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Wow.. My friend sent me to this post.. I am reading this post while completely sobbing. On October 16th, we had an unexpected c-section to deliver my (at the time healthy) baby 4 weeks early. He was measuring small, but seemed completely healthy on the ultrasound. When he came out, the doctor and nurses knew he had Trisomy 18. He was in the NICU for 6 days with immature lungs and some birth

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      November 25, 2013 at 3:30 pm

      Thank you for your kind comments. I am so so sorry for your loss as well...our little babies have very similar birth dates. 🙂 We are praying and mourning with you as well Jaime! Thanks so much for stopping by and for all of your sweet comments.

      Reply
  16. Katie Olthoff

    January 12, 2014 at 1:09 am

    Praying for you, your family, and Deakin. Two of my friends have had babies with Trisomy 18 and I saw how hard it was for them. I truly wish I could take away all your pain, and that no other family has to go through this ever again.

    Reply
  17. Rachel

    February 02, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    Ashley, I am so sorry for your loss. I am 19 weeks pregnant and my husband & I found out last week that our baby boy has Trisomy 18, as well as spina bifida, a heart problem, and an umbilical cord defect. We are devastated and have so many questions, and reading your story and knowing we are not alone is comforting. Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

    Reply
    • Ashley Phipps

      February 06, 2015 at 11:51 am

      Oh I am so sorry to hear that Rachel. Please feel free to reach out to me or email me if you ever want to talk. I know how hard this can be so please let me know if I can do anything ot help. Much love!

      Reply

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